Failed Sitcoms and Other Brilliant Ideas

I thought it might be nice to do something other than talk about Covid in Delaware for once. I asked people on Facebook to provide their favorite bad TV shows. I left some that everyone is already aware of off (like My Mother The Car), but included the ones that I thought were the most interesting. 

Pork ‘N Beans—1962

Why, that's a young Buddy Ebsen. This show was a sitcom called Pork 'N Beans. He played "Pork" and Jackie Gleason played "Beans". It wasn't a huge it here, but they're still playing it in Eastern Europe, but there it's called "Hog 'N Capitalism.",The show took place in a general store that was run by Ebsen, Beans, on the other hand, ran a prohibition era speak-easy in the back room. The recurring gag was Ebsen trying to distract the local Irish lawmen while Gleason snuck his guests out the back

Saddle Soars—1964

The second show that he played the same character was called Saddle Sores. It was a western, obviously. He ran the local General Store. They called him "Pork" because he never went anywhere without his pot-bellied pig "Blisters"—That show got canceled after they gave the pig a personality and had him start speaking. He was voiced by Ethel Merman. She took the gig to pay off the many gambling debts of her then husband Ernest Borgnine. —(Source: Wikipedia)

The Facts of (After) Life—1989

Fresh for pilot season in 1989, this The Facts of Life spin-off featured Charlotte Rae reprising her role as Mrs. Edna Garrett. Having left the show during the 8^th season, it was a coup to have Rae back in her most famous role. However, to explain her absence, the Mrs. Garrett character was killed off screen. In The Facts of (After) Life, Garrett was an angel in training and “to get her wings” she had to help, you guessed it, the girls in a house of wayward teens. The catch, however, she couldn’t directly communicate with the living. Garrett had to be creative, rattling chains, ringing bells and sometimes, getting spooky. This role also allowed Charlotte Rae to show off her very capable vocal chops. The Broadway trained chanteuse even performed an updated version of the theme song. You take the good, you take the bad, some go to heaven, some get sent back. This fabulous spin-off never got beyond the original pilot episode. Christian groups flooded the network with angry letters over their choice to portray Jesus as a pot-smoking hippie played by George Carlin.

Woops!—1992

Described as a post-apocalyptic sitcom. The Fox comedy Woops! followed the exploits of six main characters as they tried to navigate life in a post atomic-war. Each character was a stereotype meant to represent a different culture. There was the main character: a regular every-man, the beautiful dummy, the lone African American, the rich asshole, the homeless guy and the progressive feminist. Amazing this show was originally intended for NBC before finally airing on Fox. Only ten of the original thirteen episodes ever aired. In one episode, they fought off a giant spider and in another a giant turkey.

TransPlants—1994

Living on the right side of history, it’s hard to image how a show like this could have ever been green-lighted. The littlest said about this one the best. Not since Bosom Buddies had pop-culture taken on the issue of gender so brazenly. This stars the irrepressible Charlie Callas as the owner of a floral shop. Since he has other properties to manage, one day he hires two new employees: Tanya, played by radio personality and Disco Duck, Rick Dees is a transgender woman and floral arranger and Kim Fields (Tootie on The Facts of Life) plays Chuck, a transgender male delivery driver. There’s a lot of double-entendres and probably a little too much (if there is such a thing) of Charlie Callas making his trademarked mouth sounds. A product of a less-tolerant time. It’s a shame too because Charlie Callas could’ve made his role work in a different scenario. No stars.

Where’s The Beef?—1985

This shameless piece of product replacement was developed by the Dancer Fitzgerald Sample Advertising Agency, the same agency that created the iconic Wendy’s commercial. This starred then-82-year-old Clara Peller as the lovable “Where’s The Beef Lady.” It was a man-on-the street style interview show where Peller would ask passersby about current events. “What do you think of New Coke?” They’d give an answer and she’d become more frustrated as they talked. Finally, she’d ask them “C’mon, where’s the beef?” The highlight of this one-season show was Peller’s interview with Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev. After a contentious five minute interview, Peller asked her comrade, “Okay, Rusky. What’s with the spot on your head? Where’s the beef?!” It was a truly shameful moment in American pop-culture history.

Basic B’s—2014

A short lived series on The CW that attempted to breathe new life into the career of Hills alum Lauren Conrad playing younger than she probably could get away with. This scripted comedy was very much influenced by droll reality shows like the Kardashians. It featured three well-off sisters, Blair, Bella and Beth, and their friends navigating life in the 2010s. Think Sex And The City for Millennials with less of a budget and loaded with product placement. It made 2 Broke Girls read like Shakespeare. The show heavily relied on humor regarding like Tinder and Snapchat. Truly dreadful.

Where’s Rodney?—1991

Jared Rushton plays twelve-year old Rodney Burns has an obsession unlike most boys his age. He’s obsessed with stand-up comedian and verified randy sad-sack Rodney Dangerfield. Somehow, he develops a psychic link with Dangerfield and is able to summon him when he needs helps scoring. It was the greatest television show ever made. Unfortunately, it was never picked up for a regular schedule.

Total Recall: The Series—1992

This take on the Action Thriller from 1990 featured the same effects team that brought you Dinosaurs. This was a prequel to the film of the same name that focused on Kuato’s rebellion. It was aimed at kids and teenagers and was part of the 1992 TGIF lineup. It was strange seeing mutants next to more wholesome shows like Family Matters. The Parents Television Council objected to the heavy sex and violence. The show lasted only six bloody episodes.

The Ghost and Mrs Muir—1968

This American sitcom was based on the novel of the same name. It featured the character of Carolyn Muir, a young writer who rents a small cottage in Maine. Wackiness and horror ensues when she soon realizes that the cottage is haunted by the ghost of the former owner, a 19^th Century sea captain. Sprinkle in Charles Nelson Reilly as the sea captains grandson and you have a recipe for some emmy’s. It lasted a mere fifty episodes.

Vape Lyfe—2017

Fresh for the 2017 fall schedule, this Cheers-like workplace comedy takes place in a vape shop in the city. Dustin Diamond stars as over David Monnét. He’d often tell female customs that he was French but it is obvious he’s actually from somewhere in the Middle East. Each episode deals with life, relationships, federal vaping regulations and vapen lung. One time, the gang ran out of cotton candy flavored vape-juice. In a very special episode, a local drug-dealer tried to get the gang to try cannabis oil. They all got very high. The show only aired three episodes on the Freeform network. It was eventually pulled due to pressure from Phillip Morris Corp.

Girltube—2018

A Starz On Demand anthology series that follows four girls on their journey to Web stardom via pornography. This may have worked as a gritty drama, but instead showrunner, radio’s Bubba The Love Sponge, decided to make it a raunchy coming of age comedy. The pilot episode The Casting Couch starred real life one-time Miss Kentucky and one-time pornographic actress Jessica Prince lampoon her notorious viral sex-tape that forced her to give up her pageant crown. Each season was to have four 60 minute episodes plus a fifth episode would serve as the season finale where the girls would meet up and discuss their journey. It would be revealed that they were all on set to be costars for a new shoot. The show was abandoned in the aftermath of the Hulk Hogan/Gawker lawsuit. According to wikipedia, one of the episodes was to feature a comedic take on the Hulk Hogan/Bubba the Love Sponge drama.

The Charmings—1987

The Charmings was an American sitcom on the ABC network. An early precursor to shows like Once Upon a Time and films like Disney’s Enchanted. The show follows the exploits of Snow White and Prince Charming who awake after a thousand-year spell to find they live in modern-day Burbank, California. See the Charmings, the wicked stepmother and the Magic Mirror navigate the modern world. Outstanding! The show also tackled hard social issues like suicide, homelessness and commercialism, probably.

The Influencers—2020

This program was a modern version of the 1982 series Fame. Whereas Fame followed the lives of the students and faculty at the New York City High School for the Performing Arts, The Influencers follows the lives and stories of social media stars. Journey with the Influencers as some become embroiled in racism flaps, pornography leaks, broken hearts and bad hair days. Aired on the Freeform network for one season with a theme song performed by Rebecca Black of “Friday” fame.

Les files—1976

Airing on Radiodiffusion-Télévision Française in the mid 1970s, this workplace comedy Les files (or The Lines) focuses on a group of French telecommunications employees in the 1940s. These hard-drinking, hard-living females take no guff from any of the callers as they navigate through personal relationships, office politics and drinking copious amounts of wine. Tu fermes ta bouche, tu es une vache ! Qui appelles-tu une vache, tu es une petite chiene. Super !

Titan Babies—1987

Titan Babies was an innovated concept of half-animation, half live-action. It centered around a group of young children in a day-care setting. These children were baby-versions of then popular WWF Wrestling Superstars. You had characters that took on the basic personalities of their adult counterparts. Hulk Hogan was their leader and often used the catchphrase Toddlermania is running wild. Jake “The Snake” Roberts had a teddy and Andre The Giant never forgot his binky! Each episode climaxed in a live-action wrestling match starring one of the characters from the show.

Translate, Kate—1986

In this David Lynch produced sitcom from the mid-1980s, Rebecca De Mornay stars as Kate, a language whiz who works for the NYPD. Every week she’s faced with new accents and languages and has to help foreign nationals solve their problems. Lot’s of brutal sex scenes. Each episode ends with Kate in bed with a different man. “You’re the only who understands me, Kate,” he says before the show fades to black leaving you wondering what you just watched.

Second Opinions: "What's a popular show that you hated?"