Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Holiday Deja Vu

Remember holidays of yore, when your dad or your uncle got drunk and by the end of dinner was making an ass out of himself? Well now it's your turn! Because when you're at your in-laws and the Spiderman balloon looks stupid no matter how big a hard on it gives Matt Lauer, your only hope is an alcohol induced mid-afternoon nap. It's okay, because you can just blame it on watching the Detroit Lions. They haven't been good in years, so it's totally believable. To help get you there, here's my advice:

Start the day by turning on your favorite AM radio morning show. Preferably a conservative show that Thanksgiving morning. Drink four shots in a row and follow it with a beer if the phone lines open up and the host wants you to share what you're thankful for. If the topic goes into a second hour, that's at least two more beers.

Drink once every time someone calls in to thank the troops overseas. I don't doubt the sincerity. I just don't like cliches.

Drink once if a wine snob brags about the bottle they've brought for dinner. And when dinner comes that night make sure you drink some of it right out of the bottle. Put that snob in their place.

Drink once for every pie put out.

Drink once everytime someone asks you to spread some baste on the turkey. If you're the one actually cooking the bird, drink for every hour you've got it in the oven.

Drink once if someone comments on the Humane Society and expresses concern for all the little birdies and the horrible way they're slaughtered. Then take that bottle of wine you're drinking out of and finish it. Then clobber that whiner over the head. They deserve it.

If you played football that morning have a beer or two. You deserve it.

If you called it the turkey bowl, you're lame.

If you bet on any of the Thanksgiving games, you should be ashamed. You're also entitled to drink once.

And the minute someone starts cracking jokes about the chemical in turkeys that makes everyone get sleepy (and you know what the hell I'm talking about even if I won't ever spell it) then start knocking 'em back and don't stop until you pass out. Chances are you've suffered enough already that day and need some relief. And you've been gift wrapped an excuse for the rest of the evening too.

Lastly, drink once because I'm so lame. Drinking games were cool when I was stumbling around Newark. Now that I'm done with college, maybe I should act my age.


At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Carnifex said...



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